In the movie “Shrek the Halls,” Shrek wants to create the perfect Christmas for Fiona and their baby ogres. When everything goes awry, Donkey explains, “Oh, Christmas is all about big fights... My mama used to always say, ‘Christmas ain’t Christmas til somebody cries.’ Usually that someone’s me...”
We dream about sitting around the fire, sipping our eggnog, and basking in the glow of family. But what happens when families aren’t a wonderful source of peace and joy and tend to be ogres instead? Like the world of Shrek, a stress-free Christmas is very likely a fairy tale, but we can find peace and joy using the following tips.
Families are what they are. Each person brings a different personality and life experience to the gathering. Accepting that they will continue being themselves is one step in managing expectations. If Mom is anxious and disorganized, it would be natural for her to realize at the last minute that she thinks she doesn’t have enough food and wants to send you to the store on Christmas Eve. If Uncle John has strong political opinions, he will likely want to engage with you in a political discussion, just like every year. If little Joey hates sharing his toys, he will likely not let your kids play with his stuff.
When we accept that each person will be himself or herself at the family gathering, it won’t be surprising when they do their thing. Rather than expecting them to behave differently, we are prepared for how they actually behave. Then, we can decide how to respond without being distracted by anger or frustration. If you want to help your mom out, run to the store. If you’re enjoying time with everyone and don’t want to go, let her know that the group can figure out how to manage less food or she needs to ask someone else. Join the discussion with Uncle John or tell him you’d prefer to talk about something else. And lastly, bring along some of your own toys for your kids to play with. Accepting family as they are instead of expecting them to be what they’re not helps us mentally prepare and diffuses the strong emotions that arise when expectations aren’t met.
Set boundaries. As seen above, when our emotions don’t hijack us, we can think clearly about the values we want to follow. Behaving consistently with our values allows us to walk away from an interaction knowing that we were intentional about being who we intended to be. We don’t get carried away in anger. We state what we want/need. And we take action to make those things happen.
Finally, stay out of the drama triangle. Use this link to get more details (https://leadershiptribe.com/the-drama-triangle-explained), but for our purposes, we will focus on the victim since that’s usually how we end up feeling. The victim feels like everyone else is out to get them, like Shrek when his perfect Christmas falls apart. “If everyone else would just stop acting this way, then I’d be ok.” Victims tend to withdraw or come out fighting. Rather than focusing on how everyone is so mean to you, take responsibility for accepting your family as they are, set boundaries, and follow values-based behavior. The more you can stay out of the triangle, the fewer reasons your family has to stay in theirs.
By staying out of the drama triangle, setting boundaries, and accepting that your family will continue to… be your family, hopefully, you can enjoy celebrating the magic of the season. And as Donkey would say, “So even if you haven’t trimmed your stockings or hung chestnuts or roasted the tree or figgified your pudding, you go and have yourself a Merry Christmas!”