Perfectionism

In her book Joyous Resilience, Anjuli Sherin talks about the seductiveness of perfectionism. Western society views perfectionism as a virtue because we elevate people who want a job done right. Unfortunately, the perfectionist nurtures the perfect critic of our true identity and vulnerable self.   

Some classic statements of a perfectionist are: 

• I want to look and sound perfect 

• How do I fix myself? Can you fix me? 

• Crying and emotions are weak. I should get over it. 

• Once I get _________ (a bigger house, a newer car, to my ideal weight, a significant other, more money), then my life will be perfect. 

Perfectionism offers a higher sense of power and control, which we think will lower our anxiety over the lack of perfection in our lives. We believe that if we ignore painful emotions or give ourselves tough love, we can regain our sense of control by fixing the situation. Imperfection is the enemy. But according to Sherin, "The only problem is that people, situations, and life are rarely, if ever, perfect."  

Sometimes, it's ok to be "good enough." (All perfectionists are simultaneously cringing at that statement). As a 22-year-old grad student, I was less confident in one of my classes and studied hard for an exam. I thought it went well, but I ended up getting a C. My inner perfectionistic critic flipped out. I spent two weeks randomly crying and telling myself that I'm so unbelievably stupid that it's an embarrassment to take up oxygen from more deserving people. I believed that I no longer deserved to live, and my brilliant professor was degraded if he had to speak with me or even look at me. (Yes, my inner critic is intense.)  I decided I had to face my professor to do better on the next exam. It turned out that the TA used the wrong answer key, and I scored 97%. I had spent two weeks of my life intensely berating and belittling myself for absolutely no reason. My personhood and value were not dependent on one grade from one class from one moment out of all the collective moments of my life. This was a turning point, and I hate to admit that if my grade had remained a C, I'm not sure I would have been able to turn that corner.   

"In the end, all the Critic is doing is teaching us to fear vulnerability and disappointment as emotions that are too difficult to bear, rather than bolstering us to know we can love ourselves and care for ourselves enough to try, learn from our failed attempts, and still reach for our dreams." The antidote to perfectionism is embracing our vulnerable selves. It has taken years of practice not letting perfectionism be my brain's loudest voice. But when I respond with curiosity, concern, and care toward my inner feelings rather than harsh judgment, I can move forward with resilience instead of suffering.