Bowlby’s attachment theory has grown in popularity over the years and has become a helpful tool for many individuals to understand themselves more intimately. This theory, rooted in behavioral psychology, focuses on the idea that early life experiences shape how an individual sees the world. The styles (secure, avoidant, anxious, and ambivalent) offer a framework for individuals to recognize patterns that may be present in their lives. It can be helpful to think about attachment styles through the lens of connection/rejection.
Secure Attachment
We all want to strive for secure attachment, a style that is open to connection, comfortable being vulnerable, and can recover from rejection. People with secure attachment have a stable sense of self and do not sway their behavior by the actions of others.
Insecure Attachment Styles
At the most basic level, we can compare anxious attachment to “people pleasers.” Fear of rejection rules over those with this attachment style, and the perception of others dictates a large portion of their decisions. People with anxious attachments often view themselves negatively unless they receive praise from someone else. Once that moment passes, they revert to a negative self-perception.
Avoidant attachment is the unhealthy opposite of anxious attachment. With an overly optimistic view of self, avoidant attachment says, “I won’t give you a chance to hurt me.” People with an avoidant attachment may appear independent and self-sufficient without the ability to trust others to care for them.
Ambivalent attachment is often also referred to as disorganized. This style can be tricky because it has characteristics of both anxious and avoidant styles. There is a constant tension between compulsively seeking approval and a strong desire to withdraw out of fear of rejection. The need to be seen and loved is in battle with the need to be safe. Those with ambivalent attachment have difficulty believing that the two can coexist.
It can be scary to relate to insecure attachment styles, but the good news is that you can change your style. Humans are complex, so no one fits any attachment style perfectly, and people often have different attachments in different settings (with family, friends, spouse, work, etc). While this theory teaches us that early life experiences impact how you view the world, it also teaches us that this is a learned behavior and that change is possible!
Further reading on attachment: