Relationships are hard. Often, clients believe that therapists have it all together and always make the right relational decisions. An unknown author said, “A huge mistake we make in relationships is we confuse a real person with the image of them we’ve created in our minds.” Even when we have the best intentions, we make mistakes that hurt other people. As human beings, it isn’t a question of “if” we will hurt another, it’s a question of “when.” For the person who did the damage, it is easy to wallow around in embarrassment, self-blame, and rumination over the terrible thing you did. The person on the receiving end could easily swim around in hurt, anger, and blame. Neither one of these responses brings about reconciliation and healing for the relationship. So how do we heal relationships? If you are the person who didn’t think before speaking or put another in harm’s way, consider the following:
Take Responsibility
Acknowledge that you have caused pain to another human. Recognize where the breakdown happened and own up to your part in that. Verbally express that acknowledgement to the injured party and ask what you need to do to reconcile.
Listen
By asking what the other person needs, you will hopefully have an opportunity to hear from them. Listen to their thoughts and feelings without defending or excusing your behavior.
Apologize
Express that you are sorry for your actions and ask for forgiveness to take it a step further. When my kids were growing up and did something to one of their siblings, they had to say, “I’m sorry for _____, will you forgive me please?” Saying “I’m sorry” can be easy, but it takes humility to request forgiveness.
Build Trust
Now comes the work. You must take opportunities to show your friend that you have learned from the situation and that you want to build them up, not tear them down. Dave Willis said, “Your mistakes don’t define your character. It’s what you choose to do after that makes all the difference.” Learn from your mistake and commit to doing better. If you are the person who was hurt, consider the following:
Express your thoughts and feelings
It is easier to cut people out than to become vulnerable with them again. If the relationship is worth saving, taking a breath and discuss with them where they went wrong. This can begin the healing process for both of you. It also gives opportunity for the other person to learn and do better.
Remain Open
Trusting someone who has hurt you is hard. The other party must do the work to build trust, but when you stay open to their efforts, the healing process is expedited. Franklin Adams said, “To err is human; to forgive, infrequent.” Forgiveness “cuts the chain” between you and the wrongdoing. Staying tethered to hurt and pain will only slow the process of healing.
Set Boundaries
Not all relationships are meant to be saved. When someone chronically hurts you, it is appropriate to set boundaries and limit that person’s access to you. The fact of the matter is that we will hurt one another, but we don’t have to live in that world of disappointment and pain. We can take steps to reconcile and care for one another. Mama Zara said, “Reconciliation heals the soul, the joy of rebuilding broken relationships and hearts.” Instead of dreading the embarrassment, vulnerability and work of reconciliation, let’s reframe that into healing joy that brings us back into connection with one another. It is the mark of true relationship when those we love choose to stay with us once they know how imperfect we really are.