Monsters on the Boat

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me… why can’t I just be happy?” I have heard this question in some form or another in my office countless times. When life throws obstacles into our paths, or we get caught up in the mundane of the day-to-day, we often lose sight of who we want to be or where we want to go. Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap and guru in the field of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, uses an illustration of demons on a boat to demonstrate how we can push past our destructive thoughts, feelings, memories and urges when they threaten to keep us unmoored, wandering, helpless, and hopeless. 

ACT Monster

Harris suggests imagining yourself steering a boat. A horde of terrible demons with sharp claws and dripping fangs are in the hold below, but they have a deal with you. If you keep the boat drifting aimlessly at sea, they won’t come out of the hold. As soon as you start to head toward land, they run out to the top deck, yelling and screaming, baring their fangs, showing their claws, and threatening to rip you apart. You immediately turn the ship back out to sea, and they go below. You feel relieved for a while.

Eventually, you start feeling alone, bored, anxious, and resentful and decide to make it to the shore this time. You build up your courage, take a breath, and turn the tiller. Immediately, all of the demons rush out and threaten to shred you to pieces. However, you soon realize that even though they are big, scary, and loud, none of them can actually harm you. All they can do is intimidate, threaten, and look terrifying, but they can’t touch you. If you believe that they will tear you apart, then they are in control of the boat. But if you shift to acknowledge that they can’t hurt you, you become free. You can take the boat anywhere you want to go as long as you accept the demons’ presence. They may scream and protest, but you can get to the shore because they cannot stop you. What’s more impressive is that by accepting the demons as they are and aiming toward the shore anyway, you realize that special effects were making them bigger and scarier than they really are. The more you focus on the shore, the more docile they become until they quietly sit while you steer.

When we start to take life in the direction we want, difficult thoughts and feelings might immediately emerge from “the hold.”  “You’re going to fail.” “You’ll never be good enough.” “No one will ever be happy.” When we listen to these messages and believe them, they have control. By learning to accept those thoughts and feelings rather than running from them or trying to fight them, we can focus on what we value and pursue a life with purpose and meaning instead of being adrift at sea. According to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, this psychological flexibility allows you to better handle painful thoughts and feelings, take action, and live a rich and meaningful life.

Take a few moments to articulate your values by asking the following questions:

1.  How would I act differently if painful thoughts and feelings were no longer an obstacle?

2.  What projects or activities would I start (or continue) if troublesome emotions didn’t consume my time and energy?

3.  What would I do if fear were no longer an issue?

4.  What would I attempt if thoughts of failure didn’t deter me?

By acknowledging and accepting that you will have difficult thoughts and feelings, you will be able to manage the demons on your boat. By putting yourself on a valued path, you can tap into the happiness of a life driven by meaning.  

Adapted from The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris